Yay, i figured out my lesson!  Turns out it took me a year and a half to really get it!  The answer to all my problems in presence, or lack there of i guess. I just tried to find an appropriate definition for presence and couldn’t find one i like so i am going to make up my own.

Presence is a state of being without thought.  Completely ok with what IS in a moment.  You see, I am always thinking about something but if i think about thinking,  see that it is almost impossible to think about what is happening NOW.  Pretty much every thought deals with the past or future… even as i type here my thoughts are milliseconds ahead of my fingers… my thoughts are in the future.

So this art of presence, it is basically the basis of all spiritual teachings.  It is called many different things but my man Eckhart Tolle uses this term almost exclusively.  I first put this art of presence into practice about a year ago.  Sometime when i go on walk i try and be completely without thought.  I just look around at stuff and try not to name it.  I’ll look at a tree but not call it a tree in my mind, ect.  It’s a pretty cool practice.  It’s basically living meditation and when you do it everything just looks a little difference.  Color are a little brighter, ect.

Since i learned this art last year most of my thoughts have been harmless so when i am thinking, even when i am aware of it, i’m not really concerned.  Even a few months ago when i was in this relationship i was almost constantly thinking about the other person.  Obv it didn’t bother me because it was all happy loving thoughts!  I was aware that i was thinking about this person prob more the necessary but i just witnessed it and let it continue because the thoughts made me feel good!

Fast forward a few months.  Now I am still constantly thinking about this person except now my thoughts aren’t happy.  My thoughts make me sad, mad, whatever.    These thoughts obviously produce feelings.  Feelings are good.  One of the things i have learned from some of my mentors is this concept of being ok with what is, meaning it’s ok to have emotions.  If i feel sad and want to cry do it, if i feel angry and want to yell do it.  Basically there is no need to hold on to anything.  Express it, thorough crying, writing, dancing, drumming, whatever.  Get it out… This is good.  I have been doing this a lot and it does help to feel better but i also just feel like i am on an emotional roller coaster.  I can go from happy to sad in minutes.  It could be because i hear a song, see a date, any reminder and suddenly i feel bad again and have to “go through” the emotion all over again.  Yesterday i realized something.

It is my thoughts that cause my emotions!  I have been putting a lot of effort into feeling but i realized that i haven’t been doing anything to stop the thinking!  All i have to do it cut it off before the though starts.  When i see something that brings back a memory i stop it right there, the second it comes in before it gets all caught up in the run away story.  Before the emotion sets it…

I realized this yesterday while walking my dog.  I was walking and i thought of this poem.  As soon as i thought about it i started thinking about blogging it, and then i was like planning a whole blog in my head.  Like seriously having a conversation with myself about what i would blog… all in my head of course.  Just planning out what i would say.  While i was doing this i caught myself and was like “OMG, i am totally having a converstion with myself, this is hilarious.  I might as well just the taking out loud”.  As i thought this i just started talking out load, totally intentionally because i thought is was funny and i just broke into this hysterical laugh about how ridiculous the mind it!  Was was i writing a blog before i even wrote the blog?

All of a sudden i said, “ok, enough, stop” and i just stopped.  I stopped talking/thinking/ totally went blank and just stopped and became present.  I just starting looking at stuff.  Paying attention.  As i should have known, everything was beautiful!  The colors a little brighter… just a cool city.  I continued walking and at one point i just stopped and looked up at the sky.  It was the most beautiful thing ever.  The clouds looked like my dog!  They looked like 2 little Sams chillin’ up in the sky!  Unfortunately, after looking at the for only a few moments my brain took over again.  I started to think abut this time when Vince, Odawni, and  i were at gasworks and there were clouds and there was totally one that looked like Sam.  Just chillin’ at the park with us… then i got sad (like i am now as i type it)… then i realized that i was too late, the thought had gone to far and created an emotion, i needed to catch it a little sooner.  Like as soon as i thought of her name, or gasworks i should have said “stop”, and i should have looked at something else.  That is presence.  That is what i have been doing the past 2 days. It is totally paying off.  I feel relieved!  Between balancing my chakras and cutting my thought off ASAP (being present) I’ll be living large in no time!

Last thing i want to share is a quote.  I have this little “Wisdom from the East” calendar that has a different saying everyday. Todays was very appropriate for me.  I am seeing it more and more in these past 2 days:

Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don’t even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child – our own two eyes.  All is a miracle.  – Thich Nhat Hanh

Wow, isn’t that beautiful?  So true too!  🙂 Wow, I just thought of a poem.  My favorite one, by Rumi.  I’m going to post it:

From the beginning of my life
I have been looking for your face
but today I have seen it.
Today I have seen
the charm, the beauty,
the unfathomable grace
of the face
that I was looking for.
Today I have found you
and those that laughed
and scorned me yesterday
are sorry that they were not looking
as I did.
I am bewildered by the magnificence
of your beauty
and wish to see you with a hundred eyes.
My heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever
for this wondrous beauty
that I now behold.
I am ashamed
to call this love human
and afraid of God
to call it divine.
Your fragrant breath
like the morning breeze
has come to the stillness of the garden
You have breathed new life into me
I have become your sunshine
and also your shadow.
My soul is screaming in ecstasy
Every fiber of my being
is in love with you
Your effulgence
has lit a fire in my heart
and you have made radiant
for me
the earth and sky.
My arrow of love
has arrived at the target
I am in the house of mercy
and my heart
is a place of prayer.