So i want this blog to be honest… so do i just say what i say knowing it is totally a public blog that anyone can read?   I guess so… authentic… that’s what i want to be.

So i am actively dating again and it awesome so far!  I have a totally different outlook on love and relationships and realize i can fall in love and even be in a relationship without labeling it as one with “Long term potential”… I can enjoy a person NOW… i do believe in soulmates and i believe there are different levels.  There are many that i am supposed to and will fall in love with but only 1 that meant to be my forever life partner… at this point in time i like to think i know who that person in and all will happen as it should in time.  Whether that is the truth or just something i need to tell myself on order to move on is still unknown.  I am perfectly aware than in the future i could meet someone and wonder how i ever was so 100% convinced that the person who i though was The One was the one…

Anyway, so yeah.  I went to CL.  It’s just another form of online dating.  I answered a few ads from boys and i posted an ad for girls… to keep my self authentic, i’ll post the link to my ad although it prob will only be visible for a short time.

ok, so now the dates… or a date.  I went out with one of the dudes who’s ad i answered.  This dude is probable a soulmate of mine.  I can’t believe how well we clicked, how much we had in common.  His is a scientist and a musician, cute as hell, really funny and extroverted but not in an obnoxious way, and most importantly we really see the world in the same way and have similar views and dreams.  Also, we are both looking for the same thing.  I meaningful intimate connection without all the pressure of “making it work”, “be The One” all this stuff.  We are just so on the same page on so many level.  A meaningful “spring fling” with no expectation of a long term future but a willingness on both sides to let our selves fall and be vulnerable.

The date ended with some great kisses and 2nd date set up for before i go to Hawaii/Mexico for 10 days.  I get the feeling he was slightly more into me than i was into him (although i am totally into him… i think… or thought) but that might just be fear in my end.

Anyway, awesome date.  After i met up with a friend to check out this “Burner Happy” hour and when i got home is was about 11pm and i had a happy buzz!  I checked my e-mail and i had 2 repsonses from girls to my ad.   Both were awesome but one of them, i can’t stop thinking about.  I am so excited to meet her… she basically has the exact same story as me except when she was married when she realized she was in love (for the 1st time) with a female friend of mine.  That’s brave!

Anyway, so now i am just confused and questioning.  Why is that i can’t stop thinking about a girl I only got one e-mail and 1 picture from when it seem like i should be thinking about this super awesome dude who is totally into me!

1) Am i attracted to the girl because her story is so similar to mine and i want someone to understand.

2) I think this girl is gonna prove to be a lot like O, they don’t look a like at all but they have the same “look” just the same… this new chick plays guitar in a band too!  Am i trying to replace O?

3) Is the hunt just better than the kill?  Is it the unknown that i am attracted to!  I mean, one date with this dude and i feel like i already have him if i want him.  Do i like a challenge?  I mean, this whole girl thing it totally new, different, and kind of exciting… and def more of a challenge (in terms of my mental state… dealing with fears and societies projections and labels)…

4) and the last question/possibility, am i more “gay” than i thought… do i hold both genders in the same regard or am i leaning toward preferring women?  When i placed the ad my thought was “I am def making a conscious choice to seek out a female because i think it is what i need for my souls growth and healing”…  i wonder if that is true

I don’t know the answers to these questions and luckily i don’t need to know them.  I can keep hanging out with and enjoying the dudes company and just see what happens with the chick… we could totally just end up being friends who really get each other…

The great thing about this dude, is that he is amazing and awesome and i feel like if i decided to go the girl route right now, i think he will 100% understand and be open to putting everything on hold and revisiting this spring fling in future.  Maybe it is meant to be a summer fling!   Ahhh, love, I’ll keep you posted!