Day 4 = Proliferation

Proliferation literally means “make more of”.  I’m not totally sure what this day is all about but i guess it is an important one.  It is also the birth of the 3rd chakra which deals with the self, the ego, ect.  This proved significant for me.

The day was scheduled to be and “off” day so we had most of the day to do our own thing.  There was a “check in session” in the morning that i ended skipping because i had some “business” to tend to… what business you ask?  A little something that “sprouted” the day before. I will tell you but it requires a bit of a back story.

So over the past few months my photography has kind of taken off.  Not in any sense that i am actually doing anything but i am thinking that just maybe it might be a part of my future in some way.  A few months ago i was going through my friend Kari’s facebook page and on it was a totally beautiful topless photo of her that her pro photographer has taken (Kari is also the girl i roomed with on this celebration).  Anyway, when i saw that i started thinking about how awesome it would be to take nude photos of women so they can see just how beautiful they are! This was right around the time that i became involved with O so my view had women and somewhat shifted and i was seeing everyone (men and women) in a different light. A few months before this my roommate Vince showed me this photo coffee table book on the Suicide Girls (naked tattooed chicks, you can google it).  ANyway, i went back to the book around this time and gave it a second look and realized how beautiful it really was.

Anyway, so yeah, i decided i wanted to someday take pictures of naked chicks.  I wanted to provide a safe place where women could freely express themselves and get some truly beautiful pictures for themselves and/or their boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives.  I envision a studio where women came to find their inner goddess.  Once i made this intention and started voicing it to friends i was surprised at how many of my friends offered to be my “models”… their offering also made me realize that at the time i wasn’t all that comfortable with actually taking picture of naked chicks…

Then, a few days before v-day i got a call from my good friend Kasey.  She knew i did a little photography but for whatever reason we weren’t facebook friends so she had never really seen much of what i take pics of.  Anyway, she asked me if i would be willing to take some pics for her boyfriend for V-day.  Basically she said she has this cute but old and worn out pair of cotton underwear with cats on it that Jason totally loved and she wanted to get some pics in them with her wearing some little cat ears and a tail (she is a actress and has little costumey stuff all over her place).

I was kind of surprised at the coincidence as i had only just though of this idea of taking pics of women and i had never mentioned it to her before.  Anyway, short story, i said yes and we had a fun afternoon!  Admittedly, it was  a little awkward at 1st but we both had a little afternoon wine.  After the 1st few shots it really turned into a “photo shoot”.  I was moving the 1 lamp we had all over the room and really trying frame the shots and everything.  In the end we got some AMAZING photos.  Mission accomplished.  Jason said the photo album was the best present he had ever gotten and i am pretty sure Kasey saw another level of her beauty… OMG, printing the pics at Fred Meyer is a whole other and hilarious story!  😉

Anyway, yeah, so i had set this intention of taking naked pics and on day 3 (sprouting day) at the retreat I was at the pol area taking pics and one of the other participants was naked swimming and i was telling telling her this story/intention.

When i was done i discovered that this chick with her feet in the pool was listening to my story and she asked if i would be interested in doing a shoot while i was there.  I was like “sure”.  Her story was another totally awesome coincidence.  Just the day before she and her friend were at a one of the nude beaches near the center and they decided to take some pics of each other.  She said that they has both never done anything like it but they found it totally empowering and they were shocked had how awesome they turned out.  She said it totally gave them more confidence, ect and that maybe it would be fun for them to get some pics together.  I said i would and told her I could do it in the morning.  At first it seemed like timing wasn’t going to work out.  Then, later that day she found me at dinner and was totally exited.  She said there was a Kalani art show coming up and her and her friend though it would be awesome to put together a collage of sorts of the two of them mirroring in the pictures they had taken the day before.  We planned to meet at 7am.  Long story short, i ended up doing 2 shoots with them.  One took place in the “Rainbow Room” (a dance room).  These pics were AMAZING!  There were mirrors and amazing lighting and all the pics really looked like art.  For the 2nd shoot we went back to the beach.  I got some amazing shots there as well but in general, i like the ones in the dance studio much better.  Let’s face it. 2 naked hot chicks (they are really beautiful girls) on the beach covered in black sand is bound to take a bit of a “sexy” turn.  Some of them were a bit more sexy than we were going for.  I am def interested in taking pictures that oooze beauty which is slightly different than ooozing sexuality.  The ones in the studio def felt more like art.  Regardless, I have them all the pics and they said i could use whatever ones I wanted for any future portfolio/website i might create.  Yay!  I think out paths will cross again as well.  Also, i forgot to mention that in-between the 2 shoots i attended a nia class and i totally jacked my back up!  A pretty minor but still painful strain.  I knew my “balls to the walls” dancing was done for the week… in fact, if i know how my body heals it will prob be a few weeks till i am back to 100%.

So day 3 is ending with a dance class called Soul Motion dance class.  It’s a 3rd charka (self ego) day and i have taken amazing artistic nude pics that totally fit into a future career intention that isn’t totally developed (and i had taken on the role/label of photographer for the group) and totally jacked up my back.  This is where the day took a twist.  I didn’t really want to go to the class at all.  My back was sore and i just wanted some “Lynn time”.  I went anyway tho, i mean, i wanted to be a full participant and that means sometimes attending session i may not “feel” like.  I knew it was going to be a very slow class for me though because my back really hurt.  Before we headed down i was talking to Kari and i said “hmmm, should i bring my camera?  No, I’m sick of taking pictures”… Then i headed down and met her there an i ended up there with my camera.  She said to me “i thought you weren’t taken pictures” and i said “i wasn’t but i feel bad not”… as i said that i heard myself and thought “wow, that’s interesting, i feel bad if i don’t take pictures for everyone”.  Clearly i had attached to the label of “group photographer” and felt some sort of responsibility to make sure the amazing week was captured on film.  Another role/label i have been given (and taken on myself) is the role of “dancer”.

As class started i took my place on the floor and placed myself way in the back and my intention was to spend most of the time just kind of sitting in the back stretching my back out because it really hurt to much to really dance.  As i was sitting back there watch other people dance i started to feel really sad and alone and thought about all these labels.  My core fear came back to me (everyone has a core fear, it can be found from your enneagram number… that is a personality typing system based on ancient sufi wisdom).  My personality is “The Achiever” and my core fear is basically i am not worthy unless i am “achieving:… so yeah, i am sitting in the back of the room, not wanting to take pictures and not well enough to dance and i started to feel like at that point in time i  had absolutely nothing to offer the group and no reason to even be in the room.  I no longer was able to live up to the labels that were cast on me (but really that i cast on myself) and i felt completely worthless.

Right around this time is when Liz introduced a new part of Soul Motion.  Basically, soul motion is a dance class centered around relationships, with ourselves and others.  The new part of the class was about finding a partner and dancing with them.  It often takes on a feel of contact improv dancing.  I not a big fan of dancing/touching people when  dance and also, i hadn’t really totally established the bond that i eventually formed with the others and i didn’t feel comfortable with this exercise at all.  On a normal day i would have observed my fear and stepped in the fear and just done work but on this day my back hurt and i couldn’t dance!  So now what!  What good was i to a partner if i couldn’t dance!

Realistically who ever i ended up dancing with would have understood my physical limitations at the time being and everything would have been fine but in my crazy mind it was a totally disaster waiting to happen and i wanted out!  I wanted to leave the class.  As i thought about leaving of course i started to feel even worst, like a coward and a quitter, as well as useless cuz i couldn’t dance.  Then i thought of all the shit i have done in the past year.  All the fears I have faced, all of the transformation i have done, and i decided that i deserved a break… i realized that it is perfectly ok for my to “let fear win” and leave the class.  I felt uncomfortable and for this time, it’s ok…  In fact, i realized that staying would be much less authentic and would have caused to succumb to a totally different fear.  If i stayed it would have been just so i didn’t looked like a quitter.  In the end i left the class and went to the cliff and stared up at the sky (the view of the stars was AMAZING).  I also realized i hit a major milestone.  For once i stopped “trying” to “grow” and allowed myself to be just as i was in the moment.  A person who didn’t want to need to dance.  😉  I went to bed feeling good.

The pics below are from the shoot (used with permission).  I couldn’t pic just 3 cuz they are all so different!

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