Archive for September, 2010


my wish


my wish
9.30.2010

i want to build you a house
and give you the home you never had
i want to show you that life
doesn’t have to be so sad

sweeping ocean views
and maybe mountains too
we’ll climb to the top and sit
and dream about all we can do

the winds will whisper
the trees will talk
they will tell us a story
about a path that we can walk

we’ll plant our feet
our roots will grow
we’ll be strong and grounded
connected to what’s above and below

we’ll dance through the day
and dream though the night
and i’ll listen to you sing me a sweet song
when i feel scared and full of fright

will you come with me ?
will you take my hand?
will you remember who i am
and let your heart expand?

i know it can’t happen now
i know it will take more time
but i have no choice but to wait
for a love that is simply sublime

Part 1: Enlightenment


I have a dream… no, wait, that’s already been taken.  I think it is being used by the tea party these days too… I’ll say this, i have a vision, for myself and for others and it can be summed up in one word.  Enlightenment.

So what is this word, what does it mean?  I don’t know.  I know of some enlightened people.  Of course everyone knows Buddha and Jesus.  In the 60’s there were all the gurus in India that the hippies were running off too.  These days i think of Eckhart Tolle and Andrew Cohen.  Tolle’s book “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” changed my life.  I would love to meet him, shake his hand, tell him he changed my life.  Tell him he help me start to realize my purpose (it’s still a work in progress).   I don’t know much about Andrew Cohen but i have a few of his books (unread).  Also, he is the Guru of a spiritual mentor of mine, Karen.   I’m going to see him speak here in seattle on Thursday so i’ll find out then if i can see his light… oh so yeah, i guess i should explain what i mean when i say “see his light”.  It’s happened to me 3 times, when i “saw someones light”.  I hard heard about this “visual phenomena” from Karen at the enlightenment intensives but i only really knew what she was talking about until i saw it myself, and really, i don’t know if we saw the same thing, when i saw it, i just knew that the person was speaking “Truth”…  The first time it happened to me was when i was at this little buddhist temple in Wallingford.   I was just at the monday night public dahrma talk and he started describing the meditation we were going to do..  It was one about becoming a “wish fulfilling jewel”… it Kadampa Buddhism and it’s full of a lot of ritual and visualization meditations but they can be kind of fun.  I mean, sitting in silence and imagining yourself of as a wish fulfilling jewel that can bring joy and light to everyone all arounds sounds like a pretty cool thing!  I’m getting kinda blissed out and warm and fuzzy now just thinking about it!  And this is exactly what happened that day at the mediation.  The monk was describing the meditation to everyone in the room and i was getting totally blissed out just listening to him. Colors start getting a little brighter, i start getting a little giddy, can’t keep the smile off my face… those who have tried shrooms know what i am talking about… that’s what spirituality is like, a drug trip… anyway, i got off topic… i’m all smiling and having a hard time concentrating and i am looking around and everyone else is just sitting there, clearly not feeling what i am feeling.  The mediation starts and i try it but i’m just to happy an giddy and i want to get some indication that i’m not the only one.  So, i decide not to do the meditation and just watch the monk mediated because for sure he had to be feeling what i was feeling.  He’s a fricken monk!  And not just a a monk, he the head of the temple or whatever it’s called.  Anyway, as i’m watching it i see it on his face, oh so subtle, but it is there.  There is a tiny little smirk on his face, like the mona lisa… but he was totally calm, cool, and collected and ready to speak his truth.  Then he bows his head and then comes back up and the smirk is gone and he starts to speak.  His voice is totally different than it was before, he was now speaking from his Truth and he started describing the mediation.  Like a from a textbook, “how to do the wishfullfulling jewel meditation”.  So i am watching him, a little less blissed out and just more fascinated by what i was seeing and hearing.  Then he gets to the part about the wishfullfilling jewel, something about imagine you radiate light  or something and then all of a sudden he actually started radiating the light!  The whole room got super bright and yeah, i can’t really describe any other way, he was just radiating beams of light from all around him… then i started to have this other visual phenomena.  At one of the enlightenment intensives i went to my mentor told us about how sometimes if you stare at someone long enough you can start to see their face for who they really are.  Their face starts to morph into the all the faces they have been in past lives.  I’ve saw it happen at the intensive and i saw it with the monk too.  He was like flip flopping back and forth between being himself and Buddha, but it wasn’t super dramatic, it was kind of blurry… i mean, it was just visual phenomena… i had totally fixed my eyes on him and that was the story and images my mind created.  For me, i didn’t take it to mean he was some reincarnation of Buddha, i took it to mean that i was seeing his true “Buddha nature”.  So yeah, i saw that, and then the mediation ended, the light when away and in font of me sat this normal everyday sweet guy, Gen Kelsang Khedrub.  I don’t know much about him.  He’s about 40, he used to be an accountant, comes from a long line of accountants, and he’s canadian.

The two other times i saw people radiate light was at Kalani Oceanside retreat (which is also the place i am going to go live an work at for 3-6 months starting in january!)   Both of them happened during the Kalani talent show (that i am going to try and dance in weekly).  Both were writers.  The 1st guy was a poet.  He was introduced as an award winning poet… i wish i remembered his name… anyway, he started to red this story that he had written earlier that day… man, this story is so bizarre, i think i am going to have a hard time explaining it… so this award wining poet is standing on on stage with 3 pieces of crumpled paper in his hand and he starts reading… it’s hard to describe but it was like the worst writing ever… it was like it was written but under educated but super happy go lucky 15 year old boy (kinda like how i think my writing sounds but like 20 times worse!)… i was totally confused as to what i was listening too.  At one point in time he got a little flustered and confused himself and said something like “sorry, i just wrote this and haven’t read it until now”.  The he started reading on and the “under educated but super happy go lucky 15 year old boy”… hmmm, can i get hippy and call it his “spirit guide”?  His spirit guide started talking about mediation and i realized i was listening to “Truth” and that’s when he started to radiate the same light as the Monk did (although not as bright to me).  So yeah, he finishes reading his horrible horrible writing of Truth and i am all blissed out and everyone in the room claps but is pretty quiet.  No one knew what to think, i’m not sure they knew what they had just herd because it really was just like the worst writing you can imagine.  Anyway, blissed out Lynn yells “I saw your light dude” so i hope that made him smile… and maybe i am totally wrong, maybe everyone totally got it.  I don’t think other people say the light tho…

and then there was the third… another poet… i am falling in love just thinking about her.  She read a poem.  I don’t have the slightest clue what the poem was about, i remember the word ocean, and probably the word love.   All i remember is that she was beaming, and it was coming right out of her heart and straight at me… i was completely transfixed, i couldn’t keep my eyes of off her.  She was beautiful and she was saying the most beautiful words i had ever heard and her light was just beaming right at me and i felt Love and tears came to me eyes and i just wanted to run up to her and tell her that i saw her, i saw her Love… and we made eye contact a few times… omg, i can’t even tell you the instant crush the ensued… at the time i was just starting to date again and i was dating chicks.  I had to talk to her so i went up to her after the talent show and shyly told her i liked her poem and i said something lame like “i don’t know if you’ll know what i am talking about but when i was listening to your poem i just totally saw your light and felt the Truth and Love” and she said something like “Thanks, i saw you watching me a few time i knew that you knew”  or something like that, i don’t really remember…. all i do remember is that i let her walk away with out getting her e-mail or anything… good think i am going back to Kalani… i wonder if she likes chicks…

ok, so where are we at… oh yeah, i was talking about enlightenment… Buddha, jesus, ect…. they are enlightened, i feel like this Monk might be “enlightened”… maybe, and i think the two poets are on their way there, or maybe they are and they are just BEing with it… i don’t know… i don’t know what it means to be enlightened.  I don’t know what it looks or feels like.  But, i want it.  I think i can and will attain it in this life time, and i think lots of other people can and will too… but it takes work.  We have to “realize ourselves”… that is no easy task, but modern psychology and other fun tools have will make it much easier.  In his book eckhart tolle compares Jesus and Buddha to the early flowers of planet earth (in terms of evolution).  How billions of years ago there was a time when the first flower bloomed, it was a rare occurrence didn’t last long because the atmospheric conditions were not yet conducive…. but then one day there would have been a day when all the time was right, conditions were ripe, and there would be a massive explosion of flowers blooming… this is where i think we are.  As tolle describes it, Jesus and Buddha were the early flowers but humanity wasn’t ready for them.  Now, humanity is ready for this blossoming of consciousness… the time is ripe for every day you and me to become “enlightened” and become fully realized, like Jesus and Buddha.  So yeah, i feel like i’m about to pop, blossom, attain enlightenment, what ever you want to say… and when i say about, i don’t mean like tomorrow… i’ll get more into it in my next blog but i’ll give you a little teaser.  It might have something to do with this whole 2012 thing and the concept of the “rebirth of the divine feminine”… And all we do is just live our life’s, for many, that life wont be all that different than the life they are living now, hell, i might just end up as a burlesque dancer, but i’m opening to imagining a little (a lot) bigger and letting the chips fall where they land… So yeah, that’s the vision, i think i am going to become enlightened soon and i many many others will be with me, before me, or soon after.    I have details of the vision, for myself and for “the world” but this is getting way too long so i guess i’ll cut it here and finish tomorrow.  I’ll start with my vision for myself (which is the part that makes me feel batshit crazy) and then in a 3rd blog i guess i’ll explain how i see my vision of myself effecting the others… and then in the 4th blog i’m going to throw in an ongoing “quest for love” type story.   it’s just my story, it’s what i think my purpose on the grandest level is.  It’s fun.  🙂

fairytails


enjoy the music links.  important part of the narrative.  They are also the “score” to a multimedia dance number i am putting together for spin the bottle, hopefully in December 🙂

fairytale
9.24.2010

once upon a time
there was a girl
and she only wanted
to dance and twirl

she spent her youth
dancing away
but when she went to college
she kinda went astray

she started chasing a dream
to go to the moon
but eventually realized
it wouldn’t happen any time soon soon

so she took a job
she was excited to start a new life
but soon after she started
her life was filled with strife

slowly she found her way
back to dance again
and along the way
she fell in love with her best friend

a broken heart
soon ensued
for months and months
she was completely subdued

but with time
she started to heal
dance became the medium
through which she started to feel

and now she stands
hands up to the sky
and she finally feels
she ready to fly

my muse


when i step on to the dance floor

it’s like someone lit a fuse

but the motion doesn’t come from me

it comes from my muse

my muse expresses emotion

she makes me move how i feel

and i share it with the whole room

because i want to be real

my muse wants to release

all that’s trapped inside

so i can be rid of it forever

i no longer want to hide

my personal growth comes first

before what others may think

i need to allow myself to be seen

at least that’s what my muse says

wink wink ;-)

my sage


when i write a poem

the words fall onto the page

but they don’t come from me

they come from my sage

my sage expresses emotion

so that i am forced to feel

and i share it with the world

because i want to be real

my sage wants to record

all that goes on in my mind

so i can read it back later

revisit my thoughts and feeling at a future time

my personal growth comes first

before what others may think

not to be taken personally

at least that’s what my sage says

wink wink 😉

** This poem was partially inspired by one of The Four Agreements,

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

4 Agreements, iphone pic taken 12.22.2009


Bikram Yoga is totally rocking my world.   I’ve only been to 2 classes and i am totally hooked!  I feel clean, strong, and powerful.   It’s stillness, precision, silence, and discipline is a perfect combination with the movement, pumpin’ music, freedom, and creativity of Nia!  Check them out!  Find a class and go.  It will change your life!

Nia

Bikram Yoga

oh yeah, one more thing!  Get you spine checked!  I recommend an Upper Cervical Chiropractor.

In Seattle, check out Vitality Specific Chiropractic.  They changed my life!  They have a patient appreciation day coming up where you get an examination and xrays for FREE!  I think it is like a $350 value!  Check out the link!  Let them take your pain away!  🙂

——-

ok, that concludes the advertisement portion of this post.   In more bloggy news, things are great.  I purged, cleansed, and am feeling a sense of calm and freedom.  It’s a combo of many things  i think 1) i stopped listening to music in the car.  Driving is my silent time.  It’s when i watch my mind.  I guess driving has become an active meditation for me!  (side note: driving to portland this weekend and i will be listening to music)  2) This yoga thing, i bought the groupon for the unlimited month of Bikrem quiet a while ago.  There were a few times i planned to start my month but i didn’t for whatever reason, now was def the right time for me to start.  3) I bought this CD called “In the Om Zone” that is freakin’ awesome and i am listening a lot… right now in fact… it is cool music technoy like music with chakra tones so you automatically balance while you listen!  Totally brings me a sense of calm!

Purge


so there is a story to go along with this poem but i am feeling kinda drained so i guess i’ll let it speak for itself.   The short story is that it has been about a year since i first really started hanging out with my 1st love/1st heartbreak.    All the yearly events bring back memories of how i felt ans what i was starting to feel around this time last year…  things we did, ect… i remember too much… i remember so many details and dates.  It is causing the sense of loss to resurface.   I really need to focus on presence because i am totally aware that everything is in the Past and that is not where i reside NOW.  So much easier said than done.  i need to get back to meditating daily, it has been way too long!   I also think i am PMSing…  This too shall pass right?

Purge
9.13.2010

so much pain left inside
just when it seems gone
i hear a song
and tears come to my eyes

loss of a love
that was never really there
i keep letting go, more and more
but i can’t seem to repair

contraction in my chest
tightness in the throat
tears well up and stream down face
enough to fill a whole moat

deleted e-mails
every one ever written
maybe now i can forget
all i had given

all i had, all was, all i can ever be
and it wasn’t enough
and it never will be

deleted blog
deleted songs
deleted pictures too
deleted memories of a love that seemed so divinely true

months pass by and by
new crushes come and go
but none of them seem to stick
they only temporary save my from the undertow

now i’m looking for another
to bide my time till i depart
to mend my heart and make me whole
to give me a new place to start

learning to trust again
feels like and impossible feat
opening my heart again
scares me enough to knock me right off my feet

i tried once or twice
since my heart was first shattered into tiny bits
but my love is too intense
it’s like a bottomless pit

but after 3 strikes i’m out
i have nothing left give
except a desire to be saved
from the heartbreak in which i live

but it appears that won’t happen
i have to go it alone
no one is here to save me
i have to heal on my own

but I don’t know how to do it
cuz god knows I’ve been trying for 9 months
i guess i just need more time
i feel like a total fucking dunce


There is this song by a sing/songwriter named Gemma Luna that i love but she isn’t very well known at all.  Her music really speaks to me!  Since, everyone is always making youtube photo montages put to songs they like so i decided to do the same thing.   I haven’t upgraded my blog enough to embed videos so we will have to  settle for a pretty picture with a link to  it.  All of the photography was taken by me since March, when i first went to Hawaii.  The video is kind of a tribute to myself and how my i have “blossomed” in since i was last there.  Enjoy!

Goodbye


I’m posting this for Jingles Thursday Poets Rally.  I rarely share stuff that comes from a place of anger but i decide it’s time.   No emotions last forever, “This too shall pass”, and in this case, it has 🙂  Also, i think this is one of my favorite poems of mine so far!  it feels so intense to me when i read it back, almost like i don’t even know who wrote it… weird… yay for expression!

Goodbye
8.31.2010

last week your were my inspiration
this week, freedom from thoughts of you
is my final destination
i’ve wanted to be free from you for a while now
but i’m always met with some hesitation

fate and truth told me you were mine
i can’t believe they lied to me
i can’t believe i made it all up in my mind
i can’t believe i was so fucking blind

it wasn’t meant to be
i can finally clearly see
there will never be a you and me
we will never be a we

you want things i no longer want
like kids and dicks
and a white picket fence made of sticks
you want to be stuck with mens pricks
when we were together we both liked chicks

you hold on to your own sadness
you wear that crown of thorns with pride
but i know what you are doing
you are just trying to hide

from yourself
your pain
the wicked thoughts in your mind
it’s much easier to blame me
than it is to look deep inside

your perception is flawed, my dear
a million monks could yell it from the rooftop
but you wouldn’t hear
because all you do is live in fear

you put down your guitar
you stopped playing your song
but it’s your purpose god damit
you’re not happy
you’re just wrong

you’re heading away from the light of day
you’re headed into the dark
shit man, darkness really calls to you huh?
it sings to you like a lark

lies have become your disguise
and i don’t want to a part of it
i hope this poem is the very last
of all my goodbyes

A Collection of Random Poems


I am clearing out the notes from my iphone, here are some little ditties i wrote on the run, had forgotten about, and/or that i never posted, in chronological order…

Sitting in Silence
11.25.2009

i sit in silence and think of you
wondering what the future has in store for us two

i’m trying to stay present and not jump ahead
but all i can think of is a future with you
side by side, snuggling in my cozy bed

my love for you is infinite, intense, divine, and true
and all i can do it wait for you to come around
and feel the same way i do

but you might not
i realize that
my heart might get broken
it could end up as a puzzle piece tat
but i’m ok with that
your worth the possibility of an ocean of tears
i’m just going to keep loving you
without any fears

So Sad
01.08.2010

i’m so sad
i’m so blue
how can i cope
without a friend like you

Again
03.15.2010

eyes closed
smile on my face
tingle in my heart
music in my ear
your face in my minds eye

could it possibly be happening so soon
while listening to your beautiful tune
you make my heart swoon

Where’s the Truth!?!
04.23.2010

we sit
in the dip of the hill
in the center of my universe
look at
feel
perfection

perfect alignment
between
sun and moon

there is Truth in that there drum
the dog knows
the One knows
someday more will know

there is Truth in that there voice
and in that there guitar
and that there guitar too
the One knows
the other One knows too
someday more will know

there is Truth in that there mind
maybe
no One really knows

there is Truth in that there dance
the One knows
the One feels it

Love

there’s Truth in those there hearts
there’s Truth in the hearts of all the Ones
that’s the Truth

Will i ever find You?
05.05.2010

will i ever find
what my heart desires

will i ever find
and open door

or will i always have to pry
ask
question

will i ever find
and open book

where the words of her story
fall off the page
and pour into my
open book
finishing an unfinished chapter

will i ever find
One who will
dance through the day
and
dream through the night

One who will
call me on the phone
so i don’t feel alone

one who will
tell me what she is thinking
so my heart isn’t constantly sinking

One who knows
all things are possible
all visions are real
when seen through
the eyes of an open heart

Sweet Sensations
05.26.2010

walkin’ down the street
life feels so sweet
colors smells tastes and sounds
hugging me from all around

birds chirping
singing their sweet song
when your eyes and heart are open
nothing can possibly be wrong

feelin’ my breath
moving in and out
it’s as good as free cookies
from a cute little girl scout

From the Lost and Found
06.17.2010

your smile lights up my day
tingling warmth in my heart

how i long to caress your skin
and commit acts some may call a sin

the softness of your curves
completely unravels my nerves

my flower drips with sweet nectar
at the thought of your effervescent laughter