so there is a story to go along with this poem but i am feeling kinda drained so i guess i’ll let it speak for itself.   The short story is that it has been about a year since i first really started hanging out with my 1st love/1st heartbreak.    All the yearly events bring back memories of how i felt ans what i was starting to feel around this time last year…  things we did, ect… i remember too much… i remember so many details and dates.  It is causing the sense of loss to resurface.   I really need to focus on presence because i am totally aware that everything is in the Past and that is not where i reside NOW.  So much easier said than done.  i need to get back to meditating daily, it has been way too long!   I also think i am PMSing…  This too shall pass right?

Purge
9.13.2010

so much pain left inside
just when it seems gone
i hear a song
and tears come to my eyes

loss of a love
that was never really there
i keep letting go, more and more
but i can’t seem to repair

contraction in my chest
tightness in the throat
tears well up and stream down face
enough to fill a whole moat

deleted e-mails
every one ever written
maybe now i can forget
all i had given

all i had, all was, all i can ever be
and it wasn’t enough
and it never will be

deleted blog
deleted songs
deleted pictures too
deleted memories of a love that seemed so divinely true

months pass by and by
new crushes come and go
but none of them seem to stick
they only temporary save my from the undertow

now i’m looking for another
to bide my time till i depart
to mend my heart and make me whole
to give me a new place to start

learning to trust again
feels like and impossible feat
opening my heart again
scares me enough to knock me right off my feet

i tried once or twice
since my heart was first shattered into tiny bits
but my love is too intense
it’s like a bottomless pit

but after 3 strikes i’m out
i have nothing left give
except a desire to be saved
from the heartbreak in which i live

but it appears that won’t happen
i have to go it alone
no one is here to save me
i have to heal on my own

but I don’t know how to do it
cuz god knows I’ve been trying for 9 months
i guess i just need more time
i feel like a total fucking dunce

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