Category: My Life’s Story :-)

Lynn: The Musical

omg, i am having a lot of fun with this manifesting stuff.  I have started writing down (by hand) the things i want in life.  I LOVE dreaming!  This is what i would like to do most i think,  write a musical!  I have been thinking about this for months and months here and there… when i dated Ron he had this dream that he wanted writing a heavy metal musical.  I think that’s what planted the seed.  I just started thinking about how much i love musicals and stuff.  I would LOVE for my Life to be like a musical!  I would love my life to be like this.  I actually think about it a lot.  I think about going out on the town and strapping a little speaker system to myself and just dancing down the street instead of walking.  I imagine having music from my iphone playing in my purse and i just boogie down the isles at PCC. (and yes, i realized i could easily make these a reality by just making the choice to  do it but i don’t want to disturb people, and i don’t know if i want all the attention.  I’m sure some people would think it was awesome and some would want to punch me in the face, I just wish it was something everyone did!  I wish there were speaker on the streets blasting awesome music, maybe i should write that in my journal!  )  So yeah, musicals rock!   Anyway, yeah, Ron planted the seed and i starting thinking about trying to get the rights to RENT and turn it into a dance musical.   2 actors for each charactor on stage.  A singer and a dancer.  The singers are backlit and just do the singing and the staging is 100% dance.  The story it told through interpretative dance.  Ugg, i think it would be awesome!  I looked into it a tiny but but got discouraged.  Didn’t know any other dancers, didn’t have money to secure the rights, and even if i did, they prob wouldn’t let me change it that much.  It’s also pretty new and still running i think.    So yeah, that idea passed (although it is officially on the bucket list, even just a small local run).  Then today, my friend Raff from Twelfth Night Productions IMed me to check out a video on his FB page.  Turns out his friend made a 20 minute youtube musical.  It was so good!  I am really impressed and it totally inspired me!  It is called Frat: The Musical.  Check it out!  Frat: The Musical Part 1 and Frat: The Musical Part 2.  My friend Raff plays the douchy dude and he’s amazing at it  😉  It inpired me to think about writing a musical again so i decided to write it down in my journal.  I am really excited about the idea and what to share it.  Now remember, i’m a big dreamer!  🙂

Hello God, it’s me Lynn.  I would like to write a musical about my Life but i would like to be able to use music that is already written.  I would like to be able to get the rights to the songs for free.  I hope this will happen as a result of people seeing the youtube videos i’m going to make in hawaii that we discussed a few days ago.  Hopefully other artist will like what they see and produce/finance the whole project (although i get producing credit as well) and/or just donate the rights their songs.  Get on that, yo!  Thanks!  Love & Light, Lynn

so yeah, sounds fun huh?  stayed tuned. I’m really excited to see how my Life unfolds.  I’ve also been writing about having a certain someone come back into my life.  🙂

update:  I just read over this post again and i kind of cracked up how how i addressed God.  It seemed maybe a little cavalier, like maybe i should be more “worshipy” or something.  For me, i don’t think so.  For me my relationship with God is more of a partnership.  Almost like what you would have as a Lover, except i don’t really view my God as a lover at all.  I think about that a lot.  What God looks like to me.  Is it a he, and she, or an it… for some reason, i always some back to it’s a he (which is why he isn’t my lover).  I picture him as this older wiser guy, like a wizard chilling somewhere over the universe.  He not super huge or anything, he’s human sized and has a big pot (like a witch i guess) and even though the pot is just human sized, when he looks into he can see the whole universe… it’s his brew and he is just constantly stirring the pot.  And once you tap into him, you can ask him questions and he will give you signs and ideas.  And, we have an understanding.  I feel like i am here to serve a purpose for him, so he’s gotta hook me up a little!  50/50… well, prob more like 75/25… he got a lot more power than me.  We’ve gotten pretty close lately though and i feel like he is relinquishing a little control over to me.  He’s just an awesome dude, he’s fairly good looking too because even though i would never take him on as a lover i like to flirt with him and tease him a bit when i dance.  Maybe he looks something like the pic below.  Except totally not at all.  He doesn’t have the weapons, and he looks a bit softer and more loving.   I like the rest of the outfit though.  Coincidentally, this picture when i “save as” off of google is Pathfinder5-Wizard.jpg  Pathfinder, i like it!


Part 1: Enlightenment

I have a dream… no, wait, that’s already been taken.  I think it is being used by the tea party these days too… I’ll say this, i have a vision, for myself and for others and it can be summed up in one word.  Enlightenment.

So what is this word, what does it mean?  I don’t know.  I know of some enlightened people.  Of course everyone knows Buddha and Jesus.  In the 60’s there were all the gurus in India that the hippies were running off too.  These days i think of Eckhart Tolle and Andrew Cohen.  Tolle’s book “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” changed my life.  I would love to meet him, shake his hand, tell him he changed my life.  Tell him he help me start to realize my purpose (it’s still a work in progress).   I don’t know much about Andrew Cohen but i have a few of his books (unread).  Also, he is the Guru of a spiritual mentor of mine, Karen.   I’m going to see him speak here in seattle on Thursday so i’ll find out then if i can see his light… oh so yeah, i guess i should explain what i mean when i say “see his light”.  It’s happened to me 3 times, when i “saw someones light”.  I hard heard about this “visual phenomena” from Karen at the enlightenment intensives but i only really knew what she was talking about until i saw it myself, and really, i don’t know if we saw the same thing, when i saw it, i just knew that the person was speaking “Truth”…  The first time it happened to me was when i was at this little buddhist temple in Wallingford.   I was just at the monday night public dahrma talk and he started describing the meditation we were going to do..  It was one about becoming a “wish fulfilling jewel”… it Kadampa Buddhism and it’s full of a lot of ritual and visualization meditations but they can be kind of fun.  I mean, sitting in silence and imagining yourself of as a wish fulfilling jewel that can bring joy and light to everyone all arounds sounds like a pretty cool thing!  I’m getting kinda blissed out and warm and fuzzy now just thinking about it!  And this is exactly what happened that day at the mediation.  The monk was describing the meditation to everyone in the room and i was getting totally blissed out just listening to him. Colors start getting a little brighter, i start getting a little giddy, can’t keep the smile off my face… those who have tried shrooms know what i am talking about… that’s what spirituality is like, a drug trip… anyway, i got off topic… i’m all smiling and having a hard time concentrating and i am looking around and everyone else is just sitting there, clearly not feeling what i am feeling.  The mediation starts and i try it but i’m just to happy an giddy and i want to get some indication that i’m not the only one.  So, i decide not to do the meditation and just watch the monk mediated because for sure he had to be feeling what i was feeling.  He’s a fricken monk!  And not just a a monk, he the head of the temple or whatever it’s called.  Anyway, as i’m watching it i see it on his face, oh so subtle, but it is there.  There is a tiny little smirk on his face, like the mona lisa… but he was totally calm, cool, and collected and ready to speak his truth.  Then he bows his head and then comes back up and the smirk is gone and he starts to speak.  His voice is totally different than it was before, he was now speaking from his Truth and he started describing the mediation.  Like a from a textbook, “how to do the wishfullfulling jewel meditation”.  So i am watching him, a little less blissed out and just more fascinated by what i was seeing and hearing.  Then he gets to the part about the wishfullfilling jewel, something about imagine you radiate light  or something and then all of a sudden he actually started radiating the light!  The whole room got super bright and yeah, i can’t really describe any other way, he was just radiating beams of light from all around him… then i started to have this other visual phenomena.  At one of the enlightenment intensives i went to my mentor told us about how sometimes if you stare at someone long enough you can start to see their face for who they really are.  Their face starts to morph into the all the faces they have been in past lives.  I’ve saw it happen at the intensive and i saw it with the monk too.  He was like flip flopping back and forth between being himself and Buddha, but it wasn’t super dramatic, it was kind of blurry… i mean, it was just visual phenomena… i had totally fixed my eyes on him and that was the story and images my mind created.  For me, i didn’t take it to mean he was some reincarnation of Buddha, i took it to mean that i was seeing his true “Buddha nature”.  So yeah, i saw that, and then the mediation ended, the light when away and in font of me sat this normal everyday sweet guy, Gen Kelsang Khedrub.  I don’t know much about him.  He’s about 40, he used to be an accountant, comes from a long line of accountants, and he’s canadian.

The two other times i saw people radiate light was at Kalani Oceanside retreat (which is also the place i am going to go live an work at for 3-6 months starting in january!)   Both of them happened during the Kalani talent show (that i am going to try and dance in weekly).  Both were writers.  The 1st guy was a poet.  He was introduced as an award winning poet… i wish i remembered his name… anyway, he started to red this story that he had written earlier that day… man, this story is so bizarre, i think i am going to have a hard time explaining it… so this award wining poet is standing on on stage with 3 pieces of crumpled paper in his hand and he starts reading… it’s hard to describe but it was like the worst writing ever… it was like it was written but under educated but super happy go lucky 15 year old boy (kinda like how i think my writing sounds but like 20 times worse!)… i was totally confused as to what i was listening too.  At one point in time he got a little flustered and confused himself and said something like “sorry, i just wrote this and haven’t read it until now”.  The he started reading on and the “under educated but super happy go lucky 15 year old boy”… hmmm, can i get hippy and call it his “spirit guide”?  His spirit guide started talking about mediation and i realized i was listening to “Truth” and that’s when he started to radiate the same light as the Monk did (although not as bright to me).  So yeah, he finishes reading his horrible horrible writing of Truth and i am all blissed out and everyone in the room claps but is pretty quiet.  No one knew what to think, i’m not sure they knew what they had just herd because it really was just like the worst writing you can imagine.  Anyway, blissed out Lynn yells “I saw your light dude” so i hope that made him smile… and maybe i am totally wrong, maybe everyone totally got it.  I don’t think other people say the light tho…

and then there was the third… another poet… i am falling in love just thinking about her.  She read a poem.  I don’t have the slightest clue what the poem was about, i remember the word ocean, and probably the word love.   All i remember is that she was beaming, and it was coming right out of her heart and straight at me… i was completely transfixed, i couldn’t keep my eyes of off her.  She was beautiful and she was saying the most beautiful words i had ever heard and her light was just beaming right at me and i felt Love and tears came to me eyes and i just wanted to run up to her and tell her that i saw her, i saw her Love… and we made eye contact a few times… omg, i can’t even tell you the instant crush the ensued… at the time i was just starting to date again and i was dating chicks.  I had to talk to her so i went up to her after the talent show and shyly told her i liked her poem and i said something lame like “i don’t know if you’ll know what i am talking about but when i was listening to your poem i just totally saw your light and felt the Truth and Love” and she said something like “Thanks, i saw you watching me a few time i knew that you knew”  or something like that, i don’t really remember…. all i do remember is that i let her walk away with out getting her e-mail or anything… good think i am going back to Kalani… i wonder if she likes chicks…

ok, so where are we at… oh yeah, i was talking about enlightenment… Buddha, jesus, ect…. they are enlightened, i feel like this Monk might be “enlightened”… maybe, and i think the two poets are on their way there, or maybe they are and they are just BEing with it… i don’t know… i don’t know what it means to be enlightened.  I don’t know what it looks or feels like.  But, i want it.  I think i can and will attain it in this life time, and i think lots of other people can and will too… but it takes work.  We have to “realize ourselves”… that is no easy task, but modern psychology and other fun tools have will make it much easier.  In his book eckhart tolle compares Jesus and Buddha to the early flowers of planet earth (in terms of evolution).  How billions of years ago there was a time when the first flower bloomed, it was a rare occurrence didn’t last long because the atmospheric conditions were not yet conducive…. but then one day there would have been a day when all the time was right, conditions were ripe, and there would be a massive explosion of flowers blooming… this is where i think we are.  As tolle describes it, Jesus and Buddha were the early flowers but humanity wasn’t ready for them.  Now, humanity is ready for this blossoming of consciousness… the time is ripe for every day you and me to become “enlightened” and become fully realized, like Jesus and Buddha.  So yeah, i feel like i’m about to pop, blossom, attain enlightenment, what ever you want to say… and when i say about, i don’t mean like tomorrow… i’ll get more into it in my next blog but i’ll give you a little teaser.  It might have something to do with this whole 2012 thing and the concept of the “rebirth of the divine feminine”… And all we do is just live our life’s, for many, that life wont be all that different than the life they are living now, hell, i might just end up as a burlesque dancer, but i’m opening to imagining a little (a lot) bigger and letting the chips fall where they land… So yeah, that’s the vision, i think i am going to become enlightened soon and i many many others will be with me, before me, or soon after.    I have details of the vision, for myself and for “the world” but this is getting way too long so i guess i’ll cut it here and finish tomorrow.  I’ll start with my vision for myself (which is the part that makes me feel batshit crazy) and then in a 3rd blog i guess i’ll explain how i see my vision of myself effecting the others… and then in the 4th blog i’m going to throw in an ongoing “quest for love” type story.   it’s just my story, it’s what i think my purpose on the grandest level is.  It’s fun.  🙂

Bikram Yoga is totally rocking my world.   I’ve only been to 2 classes and i am totally hooked!  I feel clean, strong, and powerful.   It’s stillness, precision, silence, and discipline is a perfect combination with the movement, pumpin’ music, freedom, and creativity of Nia!  Check them out!  Find a class and go.  It will change your life!


Bikram Yoga

oh yeah, one more thing!  Get you spine checked!  I recommend an Upper Cervical Chiropractor.

In Seattle, check out Vitality Specific Chiropractic.  They changed my life!  They have a patient appreciation day coming up where you get an examination and xrays for FREE!  I think it is like a $350 value!  Check out the link!  Let them take your pain away!  🙂


ok, that concludes the advertisement portion of this post.   In more bloggy news, things are great.  I purged, cleansed, and am feeling a sense of calm and freedom.  It’s a combo of many things  i think 1) i stopped listening to music in the car.  Driving is my silent time.  It’s when i watch my mind.  I guess driving has become an active meditation for me!  (side note: driving to portland this weekend and i will be listening to music)  2) This yoga thing, i bought the groupon for the unlimited month of Bikrem quiet a while ago.  There were a few times i planned to start my month but i didn’t for whatever reason, now was def the right time for me to start.  3) I bought this CD called “In the Om Zone” that is freakin’ awesome and i am listening a lot… right now in fact… it is cool music technoy like music with chakra tones so you automatically balance while you listen!  Totally brings me a sense of calm!

Every now and i then i make a completely huge life changing decision on the spur of the moment that completely alter my course in Life.  The 1st one worked out well.   I blogged about it once before.  One day, in spring of 1999, I was sitting in my dorm room with some friends, drinking beer, getting ready to go to a party.  We were flipping channels and we landed on the NASA channel.  I saw the stunning view of Earth from outer space and i proclaimed to all my friends “That’s it, i want to be an astronaut!”.  Ugg, everyone laughed, i laughed, and then the next day week i filled out an application for the University of Minnesota.  From that time till now, 11 years, my focus/goals were all career/engineering/wanting to go to outer space related.

I have just made another decision that i AM 100% going to follow through with with the same commitment and prob even more passion, def more fear!   I decided last week i want to move to Hawaii, i just applied to volunteer at Kalani Oceanside Retreat on the Big Island.  I also talked to my boss and he is working to approve me for a 6 months leave of absence.    Obv i still need to get accepted as a volunteer and get the leave locked down but i am 95% sure both will happen…  it it obvious to me it is “meant to be”.   Also, i am not “planning” this but i wouldn’t be surprise if after this leave of absence i end up actually quitting all together…  in fact, i expect something will surface in the next 12 months which will make this easy to do, because God knows i want too!  God, you have 11 months to bring me a source of income, hop to it!  Nia and Photography at Kalani perhaps?  A paid position instead of a volunteer?  Or maybe my yet to be named (and created really)  movement modality will come to fruition?  music, movement, and mediation all working together… i think i know what it is called but i’m not ready to share just yet…   Wow, good-bye former life i guess!  Eeeek, i am SO excited!  All i am going to do at Kalani is Live, Laugh, and Love…. and dance, i am planning to dance my ass off all over that island!  🙂  I have a feeling it will be the beginning of the rest of my life… or at least t he beginning of the next decade of my life!  Yay!

Thinking and Breathing

So i am a pretty impulsive person.  Life throws me a lot of curve balls and i am always trying to catch them and figure out where to throw them.  I am a thinker.  I like figuring things out.  Up until this point in my life, my ability to think has served me very well!  Got me a 3.89 GPA in HS with pretty much no effort.  I started college at UWEC which is a smallish public college.  About 10, 000 students.  They specialize in Nursing and Education.    In fact, their education program is actually pretty tough to get in to.  I started as a Math and Physic Education major.  Oh, there are also more bars per person in the city of Eau Claire than in any other city in the US (i have never verified this fact, it could be an Eau Claire rumor).  Anyway, again, while at college, my thinking served me well.  I got pretty much all A’s without much effort.  Most of my time was spent at the bars on Water Street.  God that was a fun time.  My brain served me so well that at times during that point in my life i was smoking weed before going to my advanced physics classes and still getting A’s… life was easy… although there were times when it would all catch up on me and i would completely freak out about a test or something… i HAD to get A’s… i don’t know why… in hindsight, maybe if i wasn’t getting shitfaced 3 times a week i could have avoided those stressful times!  Live and learn!

Then, one day at UWEC my brain told me to do something that would change my life.  I was sitting in my dorm room with some friends, drinking beer, getting ready to go to a party.  We were flipping channels and we landed on the NASA channel.  I saw the stunning view of Earth from outer space and i proclaimed to all my friends “That’s it, i want to be an astronaut!”.  Ugg, everyone laughed, i laughed, and then the next day week i filled out an application for the University of Minnesota.  I decided that getting a degree in aerospace engineering was the 1st step to this new found passion/fascination with outer space!

My life at U of M was pretty much the same as my life at UWEC.  The main difference was my schooling.  Now i was taking exclusively engineering classes at a major university as opposed to generals education requirements and science classes at a mostly liberal arts school.   In all fairness, i was taking the minimum number of credits each semester too because i had completed all my GE at UWEC… it was more less a year ahead of all the other people in my program.  Anyway, the point is, i still didn’t have to work too hard.  My ability to think was again serving me well!  In fact, i think i may have started partying more!  I started working part time at Home Depot for extra cash and hung out with  people a few years younger than me who could drink like fish!  Still, great people, just livin’ life and having fun, just like i was!  I started to allow a B to slip in here and there but i was still pretty set on getting As (even tho i was still partying all the time).  Most of my  academic focus during this time though was spent building my resume, school felt lame and pointless.   I wanted work experience! It worked!   While i was at the U of M  i managed to land a part time job at Honeywell in the Guidance and Navigation division, 3 summer internships with NASA, and a flight on the Vomit Comet.  I felt this astronaut dream coming into reach!  Unfortunately, my GPA has slipped from my UWEC time, i think i graduated with like a 3.2 from Minnesota… that didn’t make it super easy to get full funding into grad school.  Mainly because i had to go to a Grad school that would push me towards my dream of becoming an astronaut.  I slacked off too much to go the MIT, Georgia Tech, Stanford route (and i didn’t want to work that hard).  So i narrowed my choices to University of Colorado – Boulder and University of Maryland – COllege Park.  Both have top 10 aerospace grad programs.  U of Maryland even had a neutral buoyancy lab!  The only other one  in the country is a NASA Johnson Space Center.  My plan was to get funding to do research in that lab.

Long story short, i end up at University of Maryland after taking a year off and working full time at Honeywell.  I couldn’t get funding in the neutral buoyancy lab (which felt kind of “devastating” at first) so i just followed a lead i got on an adviser looking for students.   I just wanted to get funding somewhere and start grad school.  I could figure out how to get in the lab later.  I ended up working with a great professor on a project that was funded by Boeing.

Grad school wasn’t much different than  undergrad.  In fact, it was even easier!  Grad students only take like 2 or 3 classes a semester and then i would work about 20 hours a week on my thesis.  I def partied a lot during this time in my life too although it was mostly just on the weekends (during undergrad every day was a weekend).  The funny thing is, all of my best friends during this time were other engineering grad students!    These were the people i was partying with!  Funny!

Anyway, i guess after the 1st year i started to see that i didn’t want to do the work to become and astronaut anymore.  My best friend at Maryland had a similar dream, he was working in the neutral buoyancy lab and was getting his PhD is space suit design.  He worked hard, i realized that people at this caliber would be my “competition” in the astronaut application pool.  He worked much harder than i ever wanted too… all of a sudden my dream seem completely silly!  I was happy though!  I just kinda laughed a looked back at where that silly little dream at gotten me!

At that time i realized that the people at Boeing really liked the work i was doing so i decided to focus on trying to get a job with them.  I barely tried.  The group i was working for was looking for a “young bright engineer” so they basically created a position for me.  I had a phone interview.    I got the job.  Lucky me i randomly ended up with the adviser i did, def didn’t seem ideal at the time.  Her funding was coming from a small 8 person R&D lab with Boeing Phantom Works.  Turns out, i had just landed every engineering “dream job”.   All pretty much without any effort!

So yeah, my brain, my thinking has REALLY served me well, until now!  Now my thinking seems to causing me a lot of stress.  The meditation and self awareness has pretty much done away with all the mundane daily thoughts that used to cover the top layer of my mind.  As i get deeper and deeper into my mind i am not finding that my thoughts are just down right nutty!  It’s time to change this.  As of today, i feel like my brain, my thinking, is no longer serving me so i am going to attempt to do away with it all together! (thinking that is… obv not ALL thinking, but just random thoughts, stories, and connection my brain tries to make).  I know that the key to this (for me) is conscious breathing.  When i am focused on my breath I can’t really think about other things.  It bring me a sense of peace.  That’s what i long for more than anything else in life, inner peace.  Wish me luck!

I wrote 99% of this on February 4, 2010.  I just added a few few sentences to make it fit in with my last post… obv i have been planning to write all this down for a while… 🙂

So my last blog post was kind of the beginning of my Life’s Story.  Before on continue, i am going to post this just to let give the synopsis of the story.  That’s all my life is, a story.  Why do i want to tell it?  Well, if i am being completely honest i have to say that is it because something inside me tells me that my story may be an important one.

Important?  What the hell do I mean by that you ask?  Well, let me just lay it out there.  A little over a year ago I had an awakening (Dec 12, 2008… stayed tuned for a the deets).  My life hasn’t been the same since.  In addition to many other “strange” things that have happened to me in the past year, i have had this reoccurring “premonition” about 4 times.  Now it seems to be just a part of my reality.  I have this sense that i am going to become some revolutionary spiritual leader at some point in the future.  There, i said it.  What do I mean by that?  Well, the first time i had it, it was big.  I mean Jesus big!  I saw myself being crucified… it was scary (and no, i don;t really think any thing like that is gonna happen).   After the 1st vision i started looking into spirituality and i became of aware of this concept of the Divine Feminine… specifically this concept of the rebirth of the Divine Feminine.  Once i became familiar with this concept my “premonitions” (AKA my mind’s stories) kind of shifted to this thought that i am going to embody this concept of the divine feminine.  I AM the divine feminine.  I’ll go into details about the premonitions later in the blog for for now i will leave it at that.

Since the last of these promotions about my purpose my awareness has grown immensely and the vision has taken on new meaning.  In general I know my purpose.  It is to dance and spread awareness (by becoming a spiritual teacher?).  The thing is, this can take many different forms.  In a sense, i have already achieved purpose.  I am a Nia instructor and soon i will have my classes up and running.   Nia (dance) will become my “Sacred Livelihood”.  In addition, i am a “spiritual teacher” in my circle of friends.  Not on any grand level but i engage many of my friends in spiritual conversations and encourage them to find their path/passion.  If i wanted, i could end the story here and say i have achieved my Life’s purpose.  I could say i have achieved my highest self for this lifetime…

I don’t know, that story doesn’t seem all that exciting does it?  I want to write a more exciting version for myself.  I want to be open to the possibility that my highest self is more.  In the next version of my story i take my premonition to mean the following:  I continue down this spiritual path, continue to dance and do Nia (and in this story i am also doing burlesque) and as I do so my awareness continues to grow until one day i become and enlighten Being.  Like an Eckhart Tolle, maybe an Osho.   I maybe write some decent books and i continue to dance and spread a message of love and creativity through dance and music.  Specifically rhythm, African rhythm.  I teach that we are all the creator and to enter into the divine all we need to do is BE the creator.  I use creativity as means to enter into the unknown.  In this story i am still holding onto this concept of divine feminine.  I am doing burlesque as a means to spread a message of love and respect for the female form.  I teach the the divine feminine is to be adorned and loved, not disrespected and lusted after.  And, i teach that men are also half feminine and need to come in touch with that side of themselves.  Oh, in this story i am also a photographer.  Specifically, i take beautiful photos of naked women.  Not quiet like the Suicide Girls.  I take picture of the Divine Feminine.   I am a dancer and a spiritual teacher, thus I have achieved my purpose and attained my highest self.. good story right?  Not enough for me!

Before I explain the last possible version of the story I want to share a passage from a book by the Dalai Lama  “How to Expand Love: Widening the the Circle of Loving Relationships”.  In it he say:

“By bring born human, you have taken on a physical support system through which you can easily achieve both your temporary and your larger aims.  Now that you have attained this auspicious life form so unique among the myriad forms born into this world, it is important that you don’t waste it.  If in this situation you practice merely to attain a good life in future rebirths for yourself, you would not be using your potential fully.  Or, if you merely air to liberate yourself from the tangles of suffering, this would also fall short of your inherent potential.  With your humanity you should do whatever you can to attain perfect, complete spiritual development”

Perfect, complete spiritual development.  What does that mean?  Is it the same for everyone?  As i contemplate this i come to conclusion that perfect, complete spiritual development is what ever One perceives it to be.  This bring me back to my premonitions (again, my minds stories) and what they feel like.  It feels like my destiny is to become so much “more” than an enlightened person who writes a book.  It feels like my destiny is to become THE enlightened person who write THE book.  In this version of the story I become a spiritual leader on the level of Buddha and Jesus.  The way i envision it, i somehow prove beyond a reasonable doubt that ALL IS ONE.  (through science actually… science and spirituality also become one… more details in later blog but for now, i will share that a few months ago after some intense extended meditation, i was flooded with ideas and thoughts about how can actually do this.  A research study… pretty exciting (and “strange” stuff!)

Anyway, in this version of my story, everything from Buddhism to Christianity to Yoga to physics and astrology blends into one core philosophical/psychological/spiritual Truth.  Universal Truth.  I embody the Divine Feminine and shine with so much light that when people see me they can help but recognize this light as their own.  I think in this version i am a healer too…   And in this story, THE book that write, my path from an ordinary girl to THE ONE is this blog.

So yeah, crazy huh?  Yes, i agree, totally crazy.  What and ego i must have BUT, it’s a possibility right?   I mean, every major religion is predicting some sort of “2nd coming”.  All Buddhist sects believe that Buddha Maitreya is coming soon.  Christians have their whole 2nd coming thing, 2012- the end of the Mayan calendar, etc… what if it is all true?    What is EVERYTHING is true to some degree?

Obviously it feels totally narcissistic that i could possibly think my life story will be an important one… how “self oriented” to think that i need to write down my story as it happens so that no information is lost… it’s crazy right?  Why am I so hooked on “MY” path… who am I?  I thought enlightenment was about the dilution of self but the concept of recording my story for future generations seems like the most self identified thing one can do!

So, what so i do?  Do i stop or do i stay “open to the possibility”… open to the possibility that my “premonitions” might really mean what i sometimes think they mean (or one of the lesser versions)… or do i brush it off as crazy narcissistic fantasies… it seems like it makes most sense to do it, write it down, and if nothing ever happens, i lose nothing. I have a great collection of stories to share with my kids!   And you readers!  I mean, i am pretty sure when i grow up I am going to be a nia instructing, african drumming, burlesque dancing, nude photo takin’ divine feminine!  That is totally a possibility.  That alone sounds like a pretty fantastic life AND story!  We’ll see, I am straying open to all possibilities!

ok, so what now!  Well, i guess i am going to start writing.  I’m not sure how it will come out because “I” am not actually writing the story.  First, i am planning go in to exciting details about the last year and a half of my life.  This includes illicit drug use, numerology, enlightenment intensives, chakras, constant coincidences (including visions of blue lights everywhere),  falling in love for the first time (with a female), creative breakthroughs, tantra workshops,  “transcendental masturbatory moments”, heart break and another round of ego deaths!   Plus much much more… i feel like i have lived a lifetime in the past year and a half!

NOW we arrive at the present moment.  I am exiting heart break and ego death and entering a new beginning.  I have no idea what the future holds but i am bracing myself because i think it is going to be a WILD and sometimes bumpy ride!  I am writing a story but i am only a coauthor.   The Source/Truth/God/whatever you want to call it is a coauthor in this story/dream and SHE 😉  has the power to add any twist and turns she wants into this story…  Lets find out together what is going to be written in!

Blog pic: Tulum Mayan Ruins, 3.22.2010

Hmm, it’s been a interesting day, or should i say, it has just become an interesting day.  I’ve kinda been on cloud 9 lately.  I’ve been dancing a lot, feeling my body getting healthier, making major life choices/changes and i just feel “on track”.  It’s been 18 months in the making.  An 18 month long rollercoaster ride.  18 months ago (December 2008) i had a spiritual and life changing experience.

It was a shift that had, unbeknownst to me, been in the works for about 12 months prior (January 2008 ).   Around that time i hit kind of a low, i just became overwhelmed with this feeling that my life wasn’t what it was meant to be.  During that low i was “working” from home a lot and just watching TV and tuning out life.  One day while “working” and flipping channels i landed on Oprah.  I hated Oprah but for some reason, i kept it on.  It was a book club day and she had an author, and spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle on her show.  He was talking about his book “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose”.  Honestly, the only thing i remember about the show was thinking “Hmm, awakening to you life’s purpose, that sounds like what i need”…  Literally, it was what i was looking for.  After 8 years of studying to become an engineer, working my ass off to get NASA internships, get into grad school, and land a dream job (which i did, R&D for Boeing Phantom Works) i had come to the realization that i did not want to be an aerospace engineer anymore (a something that started originally with a dream to become an astronaut).

I woke up everyday thinking “OMG, 30 more years till i’m done”… after i would think that, i would think “OMG, am i gonna think this every day for the next 30 years?”… so yeah, i knew that couldn’t be the case.  There is no way i could wake up everyday thinking that, i had to find my purpose… my “career”.  That is why i got the book.

I started reading the book and soon found out is was actually a “spiritual” book.  I didn’t really get that from the Oprah show the day i heard about it.  I guess i really was kinda working and only half watching.  I started reading it anyway, i wanted to find my purpose.  I grew up a very loose Catholic and pretty much identify myself an agnostic (but when asked i always threw in that i “grew up Catholic”).  I went to church Christmas and Easter with my family just cuz that’s what you do.  Spirituality and religion didn’t play any role in my life.  That said, i wasn’t turned off my the book at all… in hindsight, i am kind of surprised that i wasn’t.  The book references Buddha, Jesus, and many other historic religious figures.  I guess i figured since everyone was represented i didn’t feel like any dogma was being spat at me so i didn’t mind hearing what this dude had to say.  Apparently this book had been changing the lives of people all over the world!  People were finding their purpose!

I kept reading and slowly my life began to change.  I became more conscious and aware.  At the time, these words were more or less new to my vocabulary.  Consciousness and awareness weren’t things i considered.  Once i did, i would notice things like when i was sitting in traffic i would get really irritated and pissed off.  While reading this book i learned to ask myself “who is creating this anger”.  It was ME!  The person in front of me wasn’t doing anything to me, nor was the person him front of him.  I was the one choosing to feel anger and irritation.  In addition, i started to realize the value of “stuff”.  I began to understand how we as humans attached our feeling and emotions to inanimate objects.  My grandmothers necklace, the TV i spent so much money on, even the clothes i never wore.  I started to realize that all this stuff meant nothing.  It made my life easier!  I knew for sure something was changing when one time i left my rings on the treadmill at the gym.  I noticed prob like 15 mins after got home.  Normally i would have freaked out.  I would have hurried back to the gym and prayed they were still there.  What would i do if i lost them!  They cost a lot of money!  One was my dead grandmothers!  One was from my brother from when he lived it Scotland!  I didn’t not freak out that day though!  By this time i had realized that if the rings were gone, nothing about me or in me would be lost.  My emotions and mood were not going to be effected by the lack of presence of inanimate objects!  I calmly walked back to the gym and i knew with certainty that if i walked into the gym and the were gone, i would not be effected.  It would be ok… The rings were there.

So yeah, a New Earth started to cause a shift in my self awareness and overall mood.   I became a little more chill and started learning how to BE, although even i that time, i didn’t really know what that meant.  It was just a concept in a book.   Around that time i also felt called to start dancing again.  I took a few classes here an there and i started thinking about auditioning for some community theater dance roles.  I just wanted to make it a part of my life again in a small way.  I knew i was old, out of shape, and far past my prime, but i just wanted to do it for fun.  I found a role on TPS (Theater Puget Sound) that i decide to audition for.  It was the story of Dr. Jekall and Mr. Hyde told only though movement and music, no words.  It sounded super cool.  For the audition we had to chose a passage of some sort and interpret it through dance.  Basically tell the story with movement and not words. I picked Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds.  Yes, i knew it was also a bible passage but i was hoping no one else would notice.  I was starting to feel kind of “spiritual” but i didn’t want other people to know.

In order to prepare for the audition i started going and using the aerobics room at the gym where i was teaching Zumba.   As i watched myself in the mirror there would be times when i would think “wow, i’m not that bad”… i mean, i was far from good.  I was 30 lbs overweight and had zero strength and flexibility, but; i still had a lot of my technique.  Straight legs, pointed toes, decent lines.  I danced like someone who used to be a good dancer.  It felt good to see that glimpse of my former self!  I started to get exited for the audition and started to think i might actually have a shot at getting the part!  I knew it was just a small community theater group and that there weren’t going to be many “good dancers” trying out.  I’ve been to a few TPS auditions and knew that it was made up of mostly [really good] actors and singers with little to no dance training.  Even though i was totally out of shape and 10 years past my peak, i had 16 years of somewhat intense training under my belt.  I could move and the part i was auditioning to was about movement.

Around this time i also decided i was going to audition for “So You Think You Can Dance”.  I was a HUGE fan of the show and i found out they were coming through Seattle in March 09 and i thought it would be a fun opportunity.  I had no exceptions, i just wanted to do it for me to see what it was like.  I had gone with my friend to when she tried out for American Idol and it was a fun day!

So yeah, A New Earth, Community Theater auditions, and plans to try out for So You Think You Can Dance are all going on at the same time.  It was December of 2008.  Then on December 12, 2008 (2 days before my 30th birthday) my life changed forever…

Blog Pic: Me in “The Vomit Comet”, March 2003.  At the peak of my quest to become an astronaut!