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where do i belong?


where do i belong
10.13.2010

where do i belong
i’m trying to figure out where i fit
do i belong with the meditaters
who just Be and sit?

do i belong with the dancers
shaking their stuff
getting attention
perfecting the bluff

do i belong with the scientists
hanging out in a lab
thinking up ideas
that i know will be fab

do i belong with the photographers
always with camera in tow
“your pictures are great”
it feeds my ego

do i belong in musical theater
the people are great
caring and loving
no sign of any hate

do i belong with the midwesterners
with whom i became who i am
all i know is if i hadn’t left
my life would not be this exam

do i belong with my Nia tribe
moving in joy
standing in back
acting all coy

do i belong with the dikes
sucking on boob
having some fun
with lots of lube

do i belong in the mainstream
always a drink in one hand
i don’t really want that any more
that life seems so bland

do i belong with the hippies
token on weed
pretended to think
that i’ve already been freed

do i belong with the philosophers
thinking about time
sharing my thoughts
putting them to rhyme

i don’t know
i guess i could make all of them fit
but none of them belong
in the Truth the i’ve hit

no matter where i go
no matter what i do
i truly believe
i belong most with you


This is an amazing quote and i feel like it totally expresses my feeling for and experience with dance.  It’s too long of a facebook update so i’m making it a blog post.  Enjoy!

“Consciousness expresses itself through creation. This world we live in is the dance of the creator. Dancers come and go in the twinkling of an eye but the dance lives on. On many an occasion, when I am dancing, I have felt touched by something sacred. In those moments, I felt my spirit soar and become one with everything that exists. I become the stars and the moon. I become the lover and the beloved. I become the victor and the vanquished. I become the master and the slave. I become the singer and the song. I become the knower and the known. I keep on dancing and then, it is the eternal dance of creation. The creator and the creation merge into one wholeness of joy. I keep on dancing until there is only. . .the dance.”  -Michael Jackson, 1992

Lynn: The Musical


omg, i am having a lot of fun with this manifesting stuff.  I have started writing down (by hand) the things i want in life.  I LOVE dreaming!  This is what i would like to do most i think,  write a musical!  I have been thinking about this for months and months here and there… when i dated Ron he had this dream that he wanted writing a heavy metal musical.  I think that’s what planted the seed.  I just started thinking about how much i love musicals and stuff.  I would LOVE for my Life to be like a musical!  I would love my life to be like this.  I actually think about it a lot.  I think about going out on the town and strapping a little speaker system to myself and just dancing down the street instead of walking.  I imagine having music from my iphone playing in my purse and i just boogie down the isles at PCC. (and yes, i realized i could easily make these a reality by just making the choice to  do it but i don’t want to disturb people, and i don’t know if i want all the attention.  I’m sure some people would think it was awesome and some would want to punch me in the face, I just wish it was something everyone did!  I wish there were speaker on the streets blasting awesome music, maybe i should write that in my journal!  )  So yeah, musicals rock!   Anyway, yeah, Ron planted the seed and i starting thinking about trying to get the rights to RENT and turn it into a dance musical.   2 actors for each charactor on stage.  A singer and a dancer.  The singers are backlit and just do the singing and the staging is 100% dance.  The story it told through interpretative dance.  Ugg, i think it would be awesome!  I looked into it a tiny but but got discouraged.  Didn’t know any other dancers, didn’t have money to secure the rights, and even if i did, they prob wouldn’t let me change it that much.  It’s also pretty new and still running i think.    So yeah, that idea passed (although it is officially on the bucket list, even just a small local run).  Then today, my friend Raff from Twelfth Night Productions IMed me to check out a video on his FB page.  Turns out his friend made a 20 minute youtube musical.  It was so good!  I am really impressed and it totally inspired me!  It is called Frat: The Musical.  Check it out!  Frat: The Musical Part 1 and Frat: The Musical Part 2.  My friend Raff plays the douchy dude and he’s amazing at it  😉  It inpired me to think about writing a musical again so i decided to write it down in my journal.  I am really excited about the idea and what to share it.  Now remember, i’m a big dreamer!  🙂

Hello God, it’s me Lynn.  I would like to write a musical about my Life but i would like to be able to use music that is already written.  I would like to be able to get the rights to the songs for free.  I hope this will happen as a result of people seeing the youtube videos i’m going to make in hawaii that we discussed a few days ago.  Hopefully other artist will like what they see and produce/finance the whole project (although i get producing credit as well) and/or just donate the rights their songs.  Get on that, yo!  Thanks!  Love & Light, Lynn

so yeah, sounds fun huh?  stayed tuned. I’m really excited to see how my Life unfolds.  I’ve also been writing about having a certain someone come back into my life.  🙂

update:  I just read over this post again and i kind of cracked up how how i addressed God.  It seemed maybe a little cavalier, like maybe i should be more “worshipy” or something.  For me, i don’t think so.  For me my relationship with God is more of a partnership.  Almost like what you would have as a Lover, except i don’t really view my God as a lover at all.  I think about that a lot.  What God looks like to me.  Is it a he, and she, or an it… for some reason, i always some back to it’s a he (which is why he isn’t my lover).  I picture him as this older wiser guy, like a wizard chilling somewhere over the universe.  He not super huge or anything, he’s human sized and has a big pot (like a witch i guess) and even though the pot is just human sized, when he looks into he can see the whole universe… it’s his brew and he is just constantly stirring the pot.  And once you tap into him, you can ask him questions and he will give you signs and ideas.  And, we have an understanding.  I feel like i am here to serve a purpose for him, so he’s gotta hook me up a little!  50/50… well, prob more like 75/25… he got a lot more power than me.  We’ve gotten pretty close lately though and i feel like he is relinquishing a little control over to me.  He’s just an awesome dude, he’s fairly good looking too because even though i would never take him on as a lover i like to flirt with him and tease him a bit when i dance.  Maybe he looks something like the pic below.  Except totally not at all.  He doesn’t have the weapons, and he looks a bit softer and more loving.   I like the rest of the outfit though.  Coincidentally, this picture when i “save as” off of google is Pathfinder5-Wizard.jpg  Pathfinder, i like it!

The Blur of Love


eeek, i’m getting braver.  Gotta throw what i want out there i guess.  what do you think, do i dare e-mail this to the person who inspired it… i seems like i have nothing to lose…  🙂

 

The Blur of Love
10.08.2010


i miss everything you do
i want to wrap my arms around you

i want to sing and dance though the night
when you were in it, Life was never a fight

remember the candles flickering around
remember the shadows where we danced with no sound

remember laughing and holding each other tight
remember saying “I Love You”
even tho we were both scared and full of fright

remember the pictures taken and sent back and forth
remember that awesome song, North by North

remember g-chatting for hours on end
remember, that’s how you became my best friend

remember A Fine Frenzy
where we stood side by side
i looked at you when you had tears in your eyes

i asked what was making you sad
and you said you were just happy and glad

remember showing me your writing
the stuff you let no one else read
i felt like sharing with me made you feel freed

remember when i was the first
who you played guitar for while singing your song
remember, we made each other feel like we belong

remember when i shared with you
more than i had with anyone before
remember when you didn’t leave me
and you would listen to more

i wish for you to come back to me
i know we are meant to be together
oh i wish you could see

the feeling is so strong, i feel it way deep in my heart
i’ve got what i needed from this time apart

tell me you have too
please, lets connect again before i depart
i feel like now is a perfect time to start

many before me have gone a different route
but for me, you’re love is integral
about this i have no doubt

your a living expression
of my inspiration, my muse
faith that you will return to me
keeps me from feeling the blues

just you and i is all we need
we can be alone, peaceful, quiet and free

we’ll change the world
once piece of art at a time
it will be a wonderful life
up to the heavens we’ll climb

you will keep me grounded
you’ll help me keep my head on straight
and i will shower you will love an affection
i promise it will be great

i listen better than i did before
your path is your path
you chose if you want to walk through my door

i want nothing more than you as you are right now
you’re perfect
i love you as is
this is my solemn vow

don’t let what we had fade into a blur
i know you know it was special
it often felt perfect, as it were
Sam misses you too
he wants you to pet his fur  🙂

 

* Photo taken a lifetime ago, 1.15.2010

Free at Last


Free at Last
10.07.2010

i’m not affected by what you think of me
i may be a bit crazy
but i’m also creating and flying free

i’ve got nothin’ but love and joy in my heart
mixed with some pain and sorrow
but i’m getting close to the start

my intentions are always loving and true
i really just want to connect with you

so much separateness
from those who preach about One
but i guess we’re only human
time and money keep us all on the run

Hello God, it’s me, Lynn


Hello God, it’s me, Lynn
10.04.2010

i love you for everything you do
thank you for making all my dreams come true

i love you for creating this awful world wide mess
thank you for forcing me to pass this great test

you shown me answers
i think no one else knows
so for you i’ll shine like the sun
i think i can handle all of Life’s blows

but what i need from you right not
is for you to cut me a break
bring me the bliss
i have nothing left to forsake

i’m on the brink of madness
even though i’ve learned to control my mind
i want to relax in my knowing
cuz i know there is more information i can find

but i can’t put anymore in
until i get something out
because my head will literally explode
about that, i have no doubt

connection I


this is a new poetry “category” i am calling “Connections”.  The poems are just about some of my  opinions on things based on my personal experience.  enjoy 🙂

connection I
10.01.2010

i have to do it
to make a believer out of you
i have to do it
so you’ll listen when i tell you what is true

body-mind connection
is what it’s all about
if your in pain your body is telling you something
that pain is your bodies shout!

your not supposed to just live with it
it not just the way it is
your body is calling to be healed
Life’s answers are calling to be revealed

your bodies holding on to your past
even though you think in your mind
you’ve let it go
get to the source and make a connection
then your life will begin to flow

align your spine and chakras
and your life will begin to change
get up and start moving
experience the limits of your bodies range

your body is your temple
your body is your prayer
breath with it everyday
feel the sensation of the air

my wish


my wish
9.30.2010

i want to build you a house
and give you the home you never had
i want to show you that life
doesn’t have to be so sad

sweeping ocean views
and maybe mountains too
we’ll climb to the top and sit
and dream about all we can do

the winds will whisper
the trees will talk
they will tell us a story
about a path that we can walk

we’ll plant our feet
our roots will grow
we’ll be strong and grounded
connected to what’s above and below

we’ll dance through the day
and dream though the night
and i’ll listen to you sing me a sweet song
when i feel scared and full of fright

will you come with me ?
will you take my hand?
will you remember who i am
and let your heart expand?

i know it can’t happen now
i know it will take more time
but i have no choice but to wait
for a love that is simply sublime

Part 1: Enlightenment


I have a dream… no, wait, that’s already been taken.  I think it is being used by the tea party these days too… I’ll say this, i have a vision, for myself and for others and it can be summed up in one word.  Enlightenment.

So what is this word, what does it mean?  I don’t know.  I know of some enlightened people.  Of course everyone knows Buddha and Jesus.  In the 60’s there were all the gurus in India that the hippies were running off too.  These days i think of Eckhart Tolle and Andrew Cohen.  Tolle’s book “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” changed my life.  I would love to meet him, shake his hand, tell him he changed my life.  Tell him he help me start to realize my purpose (it’s still a work in progress).   I don’t know much about Andrew Cohen but i have a few of his books (unread).  Also, he is the Guru of a spiritual mentor of mine, Karen.   I’m going to see him speak here in seattle on Thursday so i’ll find out then if i can see his light… oh so yeah, i guess i should explain what i mean when i say “see his light”.  It’s happened to me 3 times, when i “saw someones light”.  I hard heard about this “visual phenomena” from Karen at the enlightenment intensives but i only really knew what she was talking about until i saw it myself, and really, i don’t know if we saw the same thing, when i saw it, i just knew that the person was speaking “Truth”…  The first time it happened to me was when i was at this little buddhist temple in Wallingford.   I was just at the monday night public dahrma talk and he started describing the meditation we were going to do..  It was one about becoming a “wish fulfilling jewel”… it Kadampa Buddhism and it’s full of a lot of ritual and visualization meditations but they can be kind of fun.  I mean, sitting in silence and imagining yourself of as a wish fulfilling jewel that can bring joy and light to everyone all arounds sounds like a pretty cool thing!  I’m getting kinda blissed out and warm and fuzzy now just thinking about it!  And this is exactly what happened that day at the mediation.  The monk was describing the meditation to everyone in the room and i was getting totally blissed out just listening to him. Colors start getting a little brighter, i start getting a little giddy, can’t keep the smile off my face… those who have tried shrooms know what i am talking about… that’s what spirituality is like, a drug trip… anyway, i got off topic… i’m all smiling and having a hard time concentrating and i am looking around and everyone else is just sitting there, clearly not feeling what i am feeling.  The mediation starts and i try it but i’m just to happy an giddy and i want to get some indication that i’m not the only one.  So, i decide not to do the meditation and just watch the monk mediated because for sure he had to be feeling what i was feeling.  He’s a fricken monk!  And not just a a monk, he the head of the temple or whatever it’s called.  Anyway, as i’m watching it i see it on his face, oh so subtle, but it is there.  There is a tiny little smirk on his face, like the mona lisa… but he was totally calm, cool, and collected and ready to speak his truth.  Then he bows his head and then comes back up and the smirk is gone and he starts to speak.  His voice is totally different than it was before, he was now speaking from his Truth and he started describing the mediation.  Like a from a textbook, “how to do the wishfullfulling jewel meditation”.  So i am watching him, a little less blissed out and just more fascinated by what i was seeing and hearing.  Then he gets to the part about the wishfullfilling jewel, something about imagine you radiate light  or something and then all of a sudden he actually started radiating the light!  The whole room got super bright and yeah, i can’t really describe any other way, he was just radiating beams of light from all around him… then i started to have this other visual phenomena.  At one of the enlightenment intensives i went to my mentor told us about how sometimes if you stare at someone long enough you can start to see their face for who they really are.  Their face starts to morph into the all the faces they have been in past lives.  I’ve saw it happen at the intensive and i saw it with the monk too.  He was like flip flopping back and forth between being himself and Buddha, but it wasn’t super dramatic, it was kind of blurry… i mean, it was just visual phenomena… i had totally fixed my eyes on him and that was the story and images my mind created.  For me, i didn’t take it to mean he was some reincarnation of Buddha, i took it to mean that i was seeing his true “Buddha nature”.  So yeah, i saw that, and then the mediation ended, the light when away and in font of me sat this normal everyday sweet guy, Gen Kelsang Khedrub.  I don’t know much about him.  He’s about 40, he used to be an accountant, comes from a long line of accountants, and he’s canadian.

The two other times i saw people radiate light was at Kalani Oceanside retreat (which is also the place i am going to go live an work at for 3-6 months starting in january!)   Both of them happened during the Kalani talent show (that i am going to try and dance in weekly).  Both were writers.  The 1st guy was a poet.  He was introduced as an award winning poet… i wish i remembered his name… anyway, he started to red this story that he had written earlier that day… man, this story is so bizarre, i think i am going to have a hard time explaining it… so this award wining poet is standing on on stage with 3 pieces of crumpled paper in his hand and he starts reading… it’s hard to describe but it was like the worst writing ever… it was like it was written but under educated but super happy go lucky 15 year old boy (kinda like how i think my writing sounds but like 20 times worse!)… i was totally confused as to what i was listening too.  At one point in time he got a little flustered and confused himself and said something like “sorry, i just wrote this and haven’t read it until now”.  The he started reading on and the “under educated but super happy go lucky 15 year old boy”… hmmm, can i get hippy and call it his “spirit guide”?  His spirit guide started talking about mediation and i realized i was listening to “Truth” and that’s when he started to radiate the same light as the Monk did (although not as bright to me).  So yeah, he finishes reading his horrible horrible writing of Truth and i am all blissed out and everyone in the room claps but is pretty quiet.  No one knew what to think, i’m not sure they knew what they had just herd because it really was just like the worst writing you can imagine.  Anyway, blissed out Lynn yells “I saw your light dude” so i hope that made him smile… and maybe i am totally wrong, maybe everyone totally got it.  I don’t think other people say the light tho…

and then there was the third… another poet… i am falling in love just thinking about her.  She read a poem.  I don’t have the slightest clue what the poem was about, i remember the word ocean, and probably the word love.   All i remember is that she was beaming, and it was coming right out of her heart and straight at me… i was completely transfixed, i couldn’t keep my eyes of off her.  She was beautiful and she was saying the most beautiful words i had ever heard and her light was just beaming right at me and i felt Love and tears came to me eyes and i just wanted to run up to her and tell her that i saw her, i saw her Love… and we made eye contact a few times… omg, i can’t even tell you the instant crush the ensued… at the time i was just starting to date again and i was dating chicks.  I had to talk to her so i went up to her after the talent show and shyly told her i liked her poem and i said something lame like “i don’t know if you’ll know what i am talking about but when i was listening to your poem i just totally saw your light and felt the Truth and Love” and she said something like “Thanks, i saw you watching me a few time i knew that you knew”  or something like that, i don’t really remember…. all i do remember is that i let her walk away with out getting her e-mail or anything… good think i am going back to Kalani… i wonder if she likes chicks…

ok, so where are we at… oh yeah, i was talking about enlightenment… Buddha, jesus, ect…. they are enlightened, i feel like this Monk might be “enlightened”… maybe, and i think the two poets are on their way there, or maybe they are and they are just BEing with it… i don’t know… i don’t know what it means to be enlightened.  I don’t know what it looks or feels like.  But, i want it.  I think i can and will attain it in this life time, and i think lots of other people can and will too… but it takes work.  We have to “realize ourselves”… that is no easy task, but modern psychology and other fun tools have will make it much easier.  In his book eckhart tolle compares Jesus and Buddha to the early flowers of planet earth (in terms of evolution).  How billions of years ago there was a time when the first flower bloomed, it was a rare occurrence didn’t last long because the atmospheric conditions were not yet conducive…. but then one day there would have been a day when all the time was right, conditions were ripe, and there would be a massive explosion of flowers blooming… this is where i think we are.  As tolle describes it, Jesus and Buddha were the early flowers but humanity wasn’t ready for them.  Now, humanity is ready for this blossoming of consciousness… the time is ripe for every day you and me to become “enlightened” and become fully realized, like Jesus and Buddha.  So yeah, i feel like i’m about to pop, blossom, attain enlightenment, what ever you want to say… and when i say about, i don’t mean like tomorrow… i’ll get more into it in my next blog but i’ll give you a little teaser.  It might have something to do with this whole 2012 thing and the concept of the “rebirth of the divine feminine”… And all we do is just live our life’s, for many, that life wont be all that different than the life they are living now, hell, i might just end up as a burlesque dancer, but i’m opening to imagining a little (a lot) bigger and letting the chips fall where they land… So yeah, that’s the vision, i think i am going to become enlightened soon and i many many others will be with me, before me, or soon after.    I have details of the vision, for myself and for “the world” but this is getting way too long so i guess i’ll cut it here and finish tomorrow.  I’ll start with my vision for myself (which is the part that makes me feel batshit crazy) and then in a 3rd blog i guess i’ll explain how i see my vision of myself effecting the others… and then in the 4th blog i’m going to throw in an ongoing “quest for love” type story.   it’s just my story, it’s what i think my purpose on the grandest level is.  It’s fun.  🙂

fairytails


enjoy the music links.  important part of the narrative.  They are also the “score” to a multimedia dance number i am putting together for spin the bottle, hopefully in December 🙂

fairytale
9.24.2010

once upon a time
there was a girl
and she only wanted
to dance and twirl

she spent her youth
dancing away
but when she went to college
she kinda went astray

she started chasing a dream
to go to the moon
but eventually realized
it wouldn’t happen any time soon soon

so she took a job
she was excited to start a new life
but soon after she started
her life was filled with strife

slowly she found her way
back to dance again
and along the way
she fell in love with her best friend

a broken heart
soon ensued
for months and months
she was completely subdued

but with time
she started to heal
dance became the medium
through which she started to feel

and now she stands
hands up to the sky
and she finally feels
she ready to fly